Jobs said. “They had a life they were happy with.”
Their only splurge was to take a Princess cruise each year.
The one through the Panama Canal “was the big one for my dad,”
according to Jobs, because it reminded him of when his
Coast Guard ship went through on its way to
San Francisco to be decommissioned.
Jobs confided to close friends that he was driven by the pain he was feeling
about being put up for adoption and not knowing about his birth parents.
“Steve had a very profound desire to know his physical parents so he could
better know himself,” Friedland later said. He had learned from Paul and
Clara Jobs that his birth parents had both been graduate students at a university
and that his father might be Syrian. He had even thought about hiring
a private investigator, but he decided not to do so for the time being.
“I didn’t want to hurt my parents,” he recalled, referring to Paul and Clara.
“He was struggling with the fact that he had been adopted,” according to
Elizabeth Holmes. “He felt that it was an issue that he needed to get hold
of emotionally.” Jobs admitted as much to her. “This is something that is
bothering me, and I need to focus on it,” he said. He was even more open with
Greg Calhoun. “He was doing a lot of soul-searching about being adopted, and
he talked about it with me a lot,” Calhoun recalled. “The primal scream and the
mucusless diets, he was trying to cleanse himself and get deeper into his
frustration about his birth. He told me he was deeply angry about the
fact that he had been given up.”
John Lennon had undergone the same primal scream therapy in 1970,
and in December of that year he released the song “Mother” with the
Plastic Ono Band. It dealt with Lennon’s own feelings about a father who
had abandoned him and a mother who had been killed when he was a teenager.
The refrain includes
the haunting chant “
Mama don’t go, Daddy come
home.” Jobs used to
play the song often.
Daniel Kottke was not one of them. He had been Jobs’s
soul mate in college, in India, at the All One Farm, and in
the rental house they shared during the Chrisann Brennan
crisis. He joined Apple when it was headquartered in Jobs’s
garage, and he still worked there as an hourly employee.
But he was not at a high enough level to be cut in on the stock
options that were awarded before the IPO. “I totally trusted Steve,
and I assumed he would take care of me like I’d taken care of him,
so I didn’t push,” said Kottke. The official reason he wasn’t given
stock options was that he was an hourly technician, not a salaried
engineer, which was the cutoff level for options. Even so, he could
have justifiably been given “founder’s stock,” but Jobs decided not to.
“Steve is the opposite of loyal,” according to Andy Hertz-feld, an early
Apple engineer who has nevertheless remained friends with him.
“He’s anti-loyal. He has to abandon the people he is close to.”
a breadboard. “While Steve was breadboarding, I spent time playing my
favorite game ever, which was the auto racing game Gran Trak 10,” Wozniak said.
Astonishingly, they were able to get the job done in four days, and
Wozniak used only forty-five chips. Recollections differ, but by most
accounts Jobs simply gave Wozniak half of the base fee and not the bonus
Bushnell paid for saving five chips. It would be another ten years before
Wozniak discovered (by being shown the tale in a book on the history of
Atari titled Zap) that Jobs had been paid this bonus. “I think that Steve needed
the money, and he just didn’t tell me the truth,” Wozniak later said.
When he talks about it now, there are long pauses, and he admits that it
causes him pain. “I wish he had just been honest. If he had told me he
needed the money, he should have known I would have just given it to
him. He was a friend. You help your friends.” To Wozniak, it showed
a fundamental difference in their characters. “Ethics always mattered to me,
and I still don’t understand why he would’ve gotten paid one thing and told
me he’d gotten paid another,” he said. “But, you know, people are different.”
When Jobs learned this story was published, he called Wozniak to deny it.
“He told me that he didn’t remember doing it, and that if he did something
like that he would remember it, so he probably didn’t do it,” Wozniak recalled.
When I asked Jobs directly, he became unusually quiet and hesitant.
“I don’t know where that allegation comes from,” he said. “I gave him
half the money I ever got. That’s how I’ve always been with Woz. I mean,
Woz stopped working in 1978. He never did one ounce
of work after 1978.
And yet he got exactly
the same shares of
Apple stock that I did.”
of the Western world as well as its capacity for rational thought.If you just sit and observe, you will see how restless your mind is.
If you try to calm it, it only makes it worse, but over time it does calm,and when it does, there’s room to hear more subtle things—that’s when
your intuition starts to blossom and you start to see things more clearlyand be in the present more. Your mind just slows down, and you see
Bruce Horn was one of the programmers at Xerox PARC. When some of his friends, such as Larry Tesler, decided to join the
Macintosh group, Horn considered going there as well. But he got a good offer, and a $15,000 signing bonus, to join another
company. Jobs called him on a Friday night. “You have to come into Apple tomorrow morning,” he said.
a tremendous expanse in the moment. You see so much more than
you could see before. It’s a discipline; you have to practice it.
Zen has been a deep influence in my life ever since. At one point
I was thinking about going to Japan and trying to get into the
Eihei-ji monastery, but my spiritual advisor urged me to stay here.
He said there is nothing over there that isn’t here, and he was correct.
I learned the truth of the Zen saying that if you are willing to travel around
the world to meet a teacher, one will appear next door.
Jobs did in fact find a teacher right in his own neighborhood. Shunryu Suzuki,
who wrote Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind and ran the San Francisco Zen Center,
used to come to Los Altos every Wednesday evening to lecture and meditate
with a small group of followers. After a while he asked his assistant,
Kobun Chino Otogawa, to open a full-time center there. Jobs became
a faithful follower, along with his occasional girlfriend, Chrisann Brennan,
and Daniel Kottke and Elizabeth Holmes. He also began to go by himself on
retreats to the
Tassajara Zen Center,
a monastery near
Kobun also taught.
In a short time Cao Hong, Li Dian, and Yue Jing came
to the imperial chariot and their names having been duly communicated.
Cao Hong said, “When my brother, Cao Cao, heard of the approach of the rebels, he feared that the advance guard he had sent might be too weak, so he sent me to march quickly for reinforcement.”
“General Cao Cao is indeed a trusty servant！” said the Emperor.
Orders were given to advance, Cao Hong leading the escort. By and by scouts came to say that the rebels were coming up very quickly. The Emperor bade Xiahou Dun divide his force into two parts to oppose them. Xiahou Dun and Cao Hong’s armies threw out two wings with cavalry in front and foot behind. They attacked with vigor and beat off the Li Jue and Guo Si’s rebels with severe loss of ten thousand. Then Xiahou Dun and Cao Hong begged the Emperor to return to Luoyang, and Xiahou Dun guarded the city.
Next day Cao Cao came with his GREat army, and having got them duly camped he went into the city to audience. He knelt at the foot of the steps, but was called up hither to stand beside the Emperor and be thanked.
Cao Cao replied, “Having been the recipient of GREat bounty, thy servant owes the state much gratitude. The measure of evil of the two rebels is full, I have two hundred thousand of good soldiers to oppose them, and those soldiers are fully equal to securing the safety of Your Majesty and the Throne. The preservation of the state sacrifice is the matter of real moment.”
High honors were conferred on Cao Cao. He was appointed Commander of Capital District, Minister of War, and granted Military Insignia.
the two rebels, Li Jue and Guo Si, wished to attack Cao Cao’s army while fatigued from its long march. But their adviser, Jia Xu, opposed this, saying, “There was no hope of victory.
He has both strong soldiers and brave leaders.
Submission may bring us amnesty.”
Li Jue was angry at the suggestion,
crying, “Do you wish to dishearten the army？”
Cao Cao understood and at once prepared his army to move. Just at this moment
an imperial messenger was announced with the very command Cao Cao wanted, and Cao Cao immediately set out.
At Luoyang everything was desolate. the walls had fallen, and there were no means of rebuilding them, while rumors and reports of the coming of Li Jue and Guo Si kept up a state of constant anxiety.
the frightened Emperor spoke with Yang Feng, saying, “What can be done？ There is no answer from the East of Huashang, and our enemies are near.”
then Yang Feng and Han Xian said, “We, your ministers, will fight to the death for you.”
But Dong Cheng said, “the fortifications are weak and our military resources small, so that we cannot hope for victory, and what does defeat mean？ I see nothing better to propose than a move into the east of Huashang Mountains.”
the Emperor aGREed to this, and the journey began without further preparation. There being few horses, the officers of the court had to march afoot. Hardly a bowshot outside the gate they saw a thick cloud of dust out of which came all the clash and clamor of an advancing army. The Emperor and his Consort were dumb with fear. Then appeared a horseman； he was the messenger returning from the East of Huashang Mountains.
He rode up to the chariot, made an obeisance, and said, “General Cao Cao, as commanded, is coming with all the military force of the East of Huashang； but hearing that Li Jue and Guo Si had again approached the capital, he has sent Xiahou Dun in advance. With Xiahou Dun are many capable leaders and fifty thousand of proved soldiers. They will guard Your Majesty.”
All fear was swept away. Soon after Xiahou Dun and his staff arrived. Xiahou Dun, Xu Chu,
and Dian Wei were presented to the Emperor who graciously addressed them.
Then one came to say a large army was approaching from the east,
and at the Emperor’s command Xiahou Dun went to ascertain who these were.
He soon returned saying they were Cao Cao’s infantry.
When the rebel generals showed signs of pursuit,
Yang Feng and Dong Cheng had to play a double-edged sword. They sent to offer to discuss terms of peace with Li Jue and Guo Si； at the same time they sent a secret edict to enlist the help from the leaders of the White Wave rebels——Han Xian, Li Yue, and Hu Cai. The White Wave was a branch of the Yellow Scarves, and Li Yue was actually a brigand and had inspired rebels throughout the country. But the need for help was so desperate.
these three, being promised pardon for their faults and crimes and a grant of official rank, naturally responded to the call, and thus the loyal side was strengthened so that Hongnong was recaptured. But meanwhile Li Jue and Guo Si laid waste whatever place they reached, slaying the aged and weakly, forcing the strong to join their ranks. When going into a fight they forced these people-soldiers to the front, and they called them the “Dare-to-Die” soldiers.
Li Jue and Guo Si’s force was overwhelming. When Li Yue, the White Wave leader, approached with his army, Guo Si bade his soldiers scatter clothing and valuables along the road. The late robbers could not resist the temptation, so a scramble began. Then Guo Si’s soldiers fell upon the disordered ranks and did much damage. Yang Feng and Dong Cheng had to take the Emperor away to the north.
the enemy came very near, and the Emperor left his carriage and went on foot. Yang Feng and Dong Cheng escorted him to the bank of the Yellow River. Li Yue sought a boat to ferry him to the other side. The weather was very cold and the Emperor and Empress cuddled up close to each other shivering. They reached the river but the banks were too high, and they could not get down into the boat. So Yang Feng proposed to fasten together the horses’ bridles and lower down the Emperor slung by the waist. However, the Empress’ brother, Fu De, found some rolls of white silk from dead soldiers, and they rolled up the two imperial personages in the silk, and thus they lowered them down near the boat. Then Li Yue took up his position in the prow leaning on his sword. Fu De carried the Empress on his back into the boat.
Li Jue and Guo Si pursued.
Li Yue said, “the danger is grave. I pray Your Majesty mount a horse and go in advance.”
the Emperor replied, “I cannot bear to abandon my officers.”
they wept and struggled on as best they could.
The White Wave leader Hu Cai was killed in one attack.
When they had time to see their helper, they found him to be Dong Cheng,
the uncle of the Emperor or the “State Uncle”。 The Emperor wept as he related his sorrows and dangers.
Said Dong Cheng, “Be of good courage, Sire. General Yang Feng and I have pledged ourselves to kill both the rebels Li Jue and Guo Si and so purify the world.”
the Emperor bade them travel east as soon as possible, and so they went on night and day till they reached their destination Hongnong.
Guo Si led his defeated army back. Meeting Li Jue, he told Li Jue of the rescue of the Emperor and whither they was going.
“If they reach the Huashang Mountains and get settled in the east, they will send out proclamations to the whole country, calling up the nobles to attack us, and we and our families will be in danger,” said Guo Si.
“Zhang Ji is holding Changan, and we must be careful. there is nothing to prevent a joint attack on Hongnong, when we can kill the Emperor and divide the empire between us,” said Li Jue.
Guo Si found this a suitable scheme, so their armies came together again in one place and united in plundering the countryside. As they proceeded to Hongnong, they left destruction behind them.
Yang Feng and Dong Cheng heard of the rebels’ approach when they were yet a long way off, so Yang Feng and Dong Cheng turned back and decided to meet them at Dongjian.
Li Jue and Guo Si had previously made their plan. Since the loyal troops were few as
compared with their own horde, they would overwhelm the loyal troops like a flood. So when the day
of battle came, they poured out covering the hills and filling the plains. Yang Feng and Dong Cheng
devoted themselves solely to the protection of the Emperor and Empress. The officials, the attendants,
the archives and records,
and all the paraphernalia of the court were left to care for themselves.
The rebels ravaged Hongnong,
but the two protectors got the Emperor safely away into Shanbei.
So the strife of the rival factions ended at last,
and Zhang Ji memorialized asking the Emperor to go to Hongnong near Luoyang.
the Emperor was delighted, saying, “I have longed to go back to the east.”
Zhang Ji was rewarded with the title of Commander of the Flying Cavalry and was highly honored. Zhang Ji saw to it that the Emperor and the court had good supplies of necessaries. Guo Si set free all his captive officers, and Li Jue prepared transport for the court to move to the east. Li Jue told off companies of his Royal Guard to escort the cavalcade.
the proGREss had been without incident as far as Xinfeng. Near Baling Bridge the west wind of autumn came on to blow with great violence, but soon above the howling of the gale was heard the trampling of a large body of force. They stopped at a bridge and barred the way.
“Who comes？” cried a voice.
“the Imperial Chariot is passing, and who dares stop it？” said Yang Qi, riding forward.
Two leaders of the barring party advanced to Yang Qi, saying, “General Guo Si has ordered us to guard the bridge and stop all spies. You say the Emperor is here： We must see him, and then we will let you pass.”
So the pearl curtain was raised and the Emperor said, “I, the Emperor, am here. Why do you not retire to let me pass, gentlemen？”
they all shouted, “Wan shui！ Long Life！ Long Life！” and fell away to allow the cortege through.
But when they reported what they had done, Guo Si was very angry, saying, “I meant to outwit Zhang Ji, seize the Emperor, and hold him in Meiwo. Why have you let him get away？”
He put the two officers to death, set out to pursue the cavalcade, and overtook it just at the county of Huaying. The noise of a GREat shouting arose behind the travelers, and a loud voice commanded, “Stop the train！”
the Emperor burst into tears.
“Out of the wolf’s den into the tiger’s mouth！” said he.
No one knew what to do； they were all too frightened.
But when the rebel army was just upon them, they
heard the beating of drums and from behind some
hills came into the open a cohort of one thousand soldiers preceded by a
GREat flag bearing the name Han General Yang Feng.
Here are we two officers of the Throne, and we cannot help our lord. We have been born in vain,”
said Yang Biao to Zhu Jun.
Throwing their arms about each other, they wept and fell swooning to the earth. Zhu Jun went home, fell seriously ill and died.
thereafter the two adversaries fought every day for nearly three months, each losing many soldiers.
Now Li Jue was irreligious and practiced magic. He often called witches to beat drums and summon spirits, even when in camp. Jia Xu used to remonstrate with him, but quite uselessly.
Yang Qi said to the Emperor, “That Jia Xu, although a friend of Li Jue, never seems to have lost the sense of loyalty to Your Majesty.”
Soon after Jia Xu himself arrived.
the Emperor sent away his attendants and said to Jia Xu, weeping the while, “Can you not pity the Hans and help me？”
Jia Xu prostrated himself, saying, “That is my dearest wish. But, Sire, say no more： Let thy servant work out a plan.”
the Emperor dried his tears, and soon Li Jue came in. He wore a sword by his side and strode straight up to the Emperor, whose face became the color of clay.
then Li Jue spoke, “Guo Si has failed in his duty and imprisoned the court officers. He wished to slay Your Majesty, and you would have been captured but for me.”
the Emperor joined his hands together in salute and thanked Li Jue. Li Jue went away.
Before long Huangfu Li entered. the Emperor, knowing him as a man of persuasive tongue and that he came from the same county as Li Jue, bade him go to both factions to try to arrange peace.
Huangfu Li accepted the mission and first went to Guo Si, who said, “I would release the officers if Li Jue would restore the Emperor to full liberty.”
Huangfu Li then went to the other side. To Li Jue he said, “Since I am a Xiliang man, the Emperor and the officers have selected me to make peace between you and your adversary. Guo Si has consented to cease the quarrel. Will you aGREe to peace？”
“I overthrew Lu Bu； I have upheld the government for four years and have many GREat services to my credit as all the world knows.
That other fellow, that horse-thief,
has dared to seize the officers of state and to set himself up against me.
I have sworn to slay him. Look around you.
Do you not think my army large enough to break him？”
Said Lu Bu, “After Wang Yun and I plotted to slay Dong Zhuo
and my misfortune in the Li Jue and Guo Si’s sedition,
I drifted about from one place to another, and none of the nobles east of the Huashang Mountains seemed willing to receive me. When Cao Cao with wicked ambition invaded this region and you, Sir, came to its rescue, I aided you by attacking Yanzhou and thus diverting a portion of his force. I did not think then that I should be the victim of a vile plot and lose my leaders and my soldiers. But now if you will, I offer myself to you that we may together accomplish GREat designs.”
Liu Bei replied, “When the late Tao Qian died, there was no one to administer Xuzhou, and so I assumed that task for a time. Now since you are here, General, it is most suitable that I step down in your favor.”
Whereupon Liu Bei handed the insignia and the seal of authority to Lu Bu. Lu Bu was on the point of accepting them, when he saw Guan Yu and Zhang Fei, who stood behind the Imperial Protector, glaring at him with angry eyes.
So Lu Bu put on a smile and said, “I may be something of a fighting man, but I could not rule a GREat region like this.”
Liu Bei repeated his offer. But Chen Gong said, “the strong guest does not oppress his host. You need not fear, Lord Liu Bei.”
then Liu Bei desisted. Banquets were held and dwelling places prepared for the guest and his retinue.
As soon as convenient, Lu Bu returned the feast. Liu Bei went with his two brothers. Half through the banquet Lu Bu requested Liu Bei to retire to one of the inner private rooms, whither Guan Yu and Zhang Fei followed him. There Lu Bu bade his wife and daughter bow as to their benefactor. Here also Liu Bei showed excessive modesty.
Lu Bu said, “Good younger brother, you need not be so very modest.”
Zhang Fei heard what Lu Bu said, and his eyes glared, crying,
“What sort of a man are you that dares call our brother ‘younger brother’？
He is one of the ruling family——a jade leaf on a golden branch. Come out,
and I will fight you three hundred bouts for the insult.”